beware the siren call of #menswear
I feel like menswear bloggers would be better dates than real life men. How does a single, young, lady go about meeting one?
oh dear blogger,
my heart goes out to you. for the fortune you seek, the riches you desire, the bounty you crave, it lies not with the #menswear bloggers. or any blogger for that matter.
a blogger is a representation of someone.
a carefully presented essay. it is truthful, but not whole. a mere sliver of a personality. it may only represent at most, 25% of someone’s personality. more likely its closer to 5%.
i can take all the time i want to prepare a witty answer to a response. i can photoshop and choose which photos are posted. i can do take after take of musical recordings. i can make sure i am presented in a generous light. for the internet is an unforgiving mistress. and i must please her.
also think of it this way.
these menswear bloggers, which you desire so, they love clothing, rap music, and eating. at least that is what i can surmise. that is hardly enough to justify a date with someone as awesome as you. instead, you should have them queueing up for you.
crawling on their bellys like the dogs that they are.
well dressed dogs, in cordovan collars, barking in unison.
"STEEZ, TRAPWEAR, SOFT SHOULDER" BARK BARK.
but i digress.
what is it that you seek? a witty man, who can present himself with gusto and a certain carefree attitude?
sure you do. what else could a young girl want. someone who is funny, caring, and dashing.
but know that most writers have shit personalities. most bloggers are narcissists (myself included) most menswear bros, are just that, bros.
a new fraternity.
Lambda, Alpha, Omega Seamaster.
party all night. blog all day. post at dawn, refresh ‘til dusk.
BUT DONT YOU DARE CALL IT FASHION.
the only thing more offensive than the term square toe, even more evil than boot-cut, more heinous than skinny ties, is the term “mens fashion”
"there is no such thing as mens fashion" they say.
there is mens style.
for fashion, is a feminine term. an antiquated term.
we have always been at war with eastasia.
for arguments sake, lets say you are fully committed to snatch up a #menswear bro.
here is how you do it.
- one flat brim NY yankees hat (navy)
- one army field coat/jacket (olive green)
- one messy bun
- one pair of red lips
- one pair of selvedge baldwin jeans
- one pair of oxfords (brown or tan)
- one oxford cloth button down half tucked into jeans (pale blue, white, or striped)
- one timex camper watch
- one rucksack (any color)
- one pair of wayfarers (tortoise)
1.) wear said kit around nyc.
rinse and repeat.
they will come a runnin’
this i promise you.
i’m not gay, i’m happy.
Anonymous asked you: Ok so I’ve been wanting to ask this question to someone but I feel like family or my friends aren’t the right people to ask due to my high level of pride. May I start out by saying that I am NOT gay or homosexual. I am a straight man and I am extremely attracted to females. However, when people meet me, many believe that I am gay. I like to dress nice and I take care of myself but I don’t like girls to think I’m gay. Not the best way to attract the ladies from my point of view. Please help.
so let me get this straight. (pun, get it? line 2 and i’m already making jokes)
you’re concerned that judgemental girls think youre gay. and you want these same girls to think you are super hetero?
a couple observations.
a.) the women that assume you are gay because you dress well are the last women you want to be making out with. if they are going to infer someones sexuality from their clothing, they are probably bad in bed.
think about it.
they are uncomfortable with a man dressing well, and especially if he dresses better than her. to protect their ego they write them off as un-dateable by assuming he craves dudes 24/7
this girl is the one that freaks out when you fart in bed, gets mad at you when you dont want to watch bachelorette with her, and she’s the one that wont do certain positions when you’re totally getting it on.
but seriously these are the women you want to avoid. if they think you’re gay right off the bat, ditch ‘em. think of it as a filter.
a jerk filter.
b.) dont take this personally. but…
who cares if people think you’re gay.
just do you.
work your ass off.
help your friends.
punish your enemies.
it sounds like you might be younger than me. (and i think most people on tumblr are) sexual orientation might be on your mind constantly.
you’ll realize soon that most women you meet will ruin your life.
but you will totally realize that there are bigger things in life than meeting girls.
don’t get me wrong. i love women. they are fantastic. but. they aren’t the answer to your problems. ‘lest her name be “diana agron”
in life. people will assume things about you. and most of them wrong. people assume i am gay every now and then,
especially in the fashion industry.
who cares. think of it as subterfuge, they might let you in on some juicy gossip b/c they assume you are totally into hot bro on bro action.
then out of nowhere you flip it on em.
"BOOM! I LIKE BOOBS MOTHAFUCKA!"
and everyone freaks out. they trusted you as a gay male, but now youre a deceitful man. a dog. just like the rest of ‘em.
so trust me, people assuming youre gay isnt the worst case scenario.
they could assume you are a blogger.
sexual questionnaire and more…
Anonymous asked you:
So here is my dilemma: I am sitting here on my laptop looking at your blog. I am having difficulty deciding if I A) Want to marry you. B) Have insanely mind blowing sex with you. or C) Just be your friend. Then this absolutely absurd thought came to mind… Could points A through C be possible at the same time? Thoughts?
A.) marriage eh? hmm. let me meet your parents first. good genetics are tantamount to a successful breeding cycle.
B.) mind blowing sex? intriguing
can you answer this questionnaire?
We here at Superdanger ltd. are happy to hear you are interested in becoming a sexual partner with mr.danger (Alex). So as to not waste anyone’s time please fill out the following questions to the best of your ability. Good Luck!
1. Rate your confidence when naked on a scale of 1-10 ____
2. How flexible are your legs laterally and horizontally? __________ (in increments of 15 degrees)
3. How long can you hold your breath? ____min _____sec
4. Do you do pilates/yoga/spinning and if so how frequently?______
5. If someone farts in the bedroom what is your first reaction?___________________________
6. If I fart in the bedroom what is your first reaction?___________________________
7. Rate your breath odor on a scale of 1 to 10____(1 being like baked garbage, 10 being minty fresh)
8. Please list any phobias/won’ts/can’ts/don’ts_________________________
9. Favorite sandwich and why?________________________
10. If you were to “make love” would you prefer to listen to Jay-Z or Notorious B.I.G.?______________
11. How often do you get “headaches/stomach aches” or are just not “feeling it”?__________________
Thank you for your time. We will get back to you as soon as possible. Good luck in the upcoming fiscal year.
C.) friend? sure. i can always use more people to help me move to a new apartment when that situation arrives.
real friends help you move.
fake friends text you the next day “sorry i couldn’t help you move man. work ran late/got into fight with my girl/food poisoning/got locked in my basement”
those are my thoughts.
but yes on “B” if thats ok.
Could all these be possible at the same time?
Be my wife, have “mind-blowing sex”, and be my friend?
And in fact,
That is my ideal relationship I will have with my wife, should I ever get married.
real talk on tumblr.
*again, this is the internet. the questionnaire is for humor purposes only. i don’t expect that anyone would ever fill that out. satire.
Anonymous asked you: What should girls drink in a bar? Recommendations please?
"shots shots, shots shots shots shots. EVERYBODAY!"
right? because if you drink shots, you will get all the right attention. from the right guys. and they will assume the right things.
girls should drink the same thing guys drink. and that is, whatever you like.
there are drinks that are easy for the bartender to make, and will sate your burning thirst. your desire. your unending agony.
my favorite drinks?:
Gin + Tonic.
- fill a tom collins glass with ice
- pour 2oz of gin (if you dont like the taste of gin you can substitute vodka)
- finish with tonic
- drink until you cant stand up under your own strength
in all my drinking, and that is a substantial statement, i have been the least hungover from my G+T fueled binges. (also don’t call gin and tonics Gee and Tees)
Whiskey + Ginger.
- fill a highball glass with ice
- pour 2oz of whiskey (bourbon works best in this case)
- finish with ginger ale or if you have it, ginger beer
- drink until you see the future, or the past, or your ex
this is a dangerous combo. but still a great tasting drink. whiskey makes people go crazy. it makes dudes wanna brawl. it makes girls wanna brawl. it makes your momz wanna brawl. it makes me want to dance. i’m like Michael Jackson in the beat it video.
STOP FIGHTING, LETS DANCE.
- ask for beer
- get beer
- drink beer
- repeat steps 1-3 until you are dancing solo. even if there is no music, or dancefloor. even if your friends have all left. even if you lost your phone and you are staying with friends and you have no idea where you are. even if the cute guy you were talking to left with some “skank” and you are now relegated to hitting on the doorguy’s friend.
beer. I love beer. its cheap, and you know how much alcohol you are getting with every one.
no bartender can short pour a bottle of beer, and you will get it quickly b/c they are damn easy to serve.
yes, you might get bloated, but just dance all that weight off. trust me. you look great. wear black. wear heels. stand next to “un-pretty” people.
hope this answers your question.
What does Danger like? vol.1
Anonymous asked you:
What do you think about really fit girls? Turn on or off? I’m pretty fit but it seems like every guy I talk to, when they find out I know what a power clean, seem to be immediately disinterested in me as anything more than a friend. Help?
is this question also mocking me?
i mentioned chicks who do crossfit here.
fit is the shit.
does that make any sense?
but i can get down w/ girls who take care of their bodies especially if they can throw down at the gym.
men are fragile creatures.
our egos, like a glass opera slipper. delicate, ornate, and easily shattered.
you must be careful with us.
for example, if we happen to be talking about physical fitness:
- do not throw a table clear across the room to prove your strength
- do not dead lift the keg we’re drinking out of
- do not open a jar of pickles for me
- do not break open lobster claws with your bare hands
- do not put me in a rear naked choke if we start a playful wrestling match
- if you bench/squat/clean more than me, LIE.
other than that, we’re all good mamacita.
now come spot me, i’m doing push presses…
*since this is the internet and people are unfamiliar with sarcasm and satire, i must state that this post does not endorse sexism. women can be stronger than men. this post is intended for humor purposes only. so stop taking things so seriously. this is the internet.
"(s)he who hesitates is lost"…and by lost I mean you lost your chance to make out at a concert with your boy.
Anonymous asked you: Dear Mr. Danger, so I was at this concert and I spotted this really sweet guy I had been having conversations with and I sort of (tried to?) pretended I didn’t see him at all (when the entire night we kept catching each others gaze. So this really goes both ways!) and I’m thinking now it might have come off that I was just being a jerk. I sent him a small text, greeting him a festive holiday and how we haven’t spoken in a while. All he replied back was, “hey, Merry Christmas.” I messed this up..
I would have to agree. Yes. You might have “messed this up…”
My advice would be to try one more time to get this dude wrapped around your pretty little finger. Like a piece of bacon wrapped around…another piece of bacon. Which reminds me…I left the stove on.
Ok, I’m back. Bacon sandwich with bacon was a success in case you were wondering.
Call him. You have one more chance to make a move without it seeming desperate. Tell him something like “Hey I feel bad about me not saying hi to you at that concert. I was in a weird place (or whatever excuse you want) Let me make it up to you and take you out for coffee. My treat.”
If the reward of free coffee doesn’t get this guy to hang with you, then nothing will. But lets look at the underlying problem.
You like this guy, yes?
You dug on him, right?
So why didn’t you make a move?
And also why didn’t you say hi at the concert?
If the reason is “I was embarrassed” I am very upset with you.
LISTEN TO ME. Everyone on the internet has to get used to being shot down. Getting rejected is part of life.
And I don’t mean being rejected from a friend request. I mean straight up, in your face, no-holds-barred, rejection.
(start scene: manhattan, 12:45am. hottest club ever)
The air is thick, the DJ is crushing it, shots are flowing, and my bros are totally buying all my drinks. Because I’m cheap like that. And I totally paid for Wendy’s last week. We crushed that value menu.
So here I am. I’m in da club right? I’m dancin’, jukin’, krumpin’ dougie-in’, whatever. I’m killin’ it per usual. All eyez on me.
I’m feeling like a million bucks and I decide to walk up to a girl I’ve been looking at all night. That fine girl who might be multi-racial or it might be her make-up. The girl in the louboutin thigh boots (knock off) and fur vest. The girl who is putting her hands in the air and pointing upwards when every song comes on. This. Girl. Is. My. Wife.
So I fix my jacket, run my hand through my hair and crip walk her way. I’m thinking to myself:
Damn dude, you are killing it. She is going to dance with you all night and possibly make out with you in the corner. Then you’ll do shots of cheap tequila and she’ll stick you with her tab…
I clear my throat, tap her on the shoulder and ask her in my most blogger-like voice:
"DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WIF ME?!" (waving my arms frantically)
She looks me up and down. Pauses. Laughs heartily and says “NO!”
She walks towards her friends and starts to dance with her hands in the air. They start chanting stuff like: “GIRLZ NIGHT OUUUUTT” and “NO MEN TONIGHT, F*CK MEN”
I walk defeated back to my spot at the bar. My tail between my legs. I ask the bartender sheepishly, “another white wine spritzer…” trailing off, hardly able to finish my request. The bass thumps on and on into the night. Alone I stand. Alone with my thoughts…
So even at my flyest. My highest. My most ballin’ out alpha night ever. I still get shot down.
But the great thing is that I can get shot down all the time.
The best part is that I would drink my face into oblivion if that happened.
…Listen to me! You have to learn to be ok with being rejected. You have to learn to communicate with people.
Tell them you like them.
Tell them you don’t like them.
Tell them they smell nice and when they walk by your desk you always take a big whiff.
The point is, next time there is a guy you like, TELL HIM.
There is no point in waiting because there will never be the perfect time, and guys are clueless. Except for me. So help a dude out and get in his face. Then make out with it.
Anonymous asked you: Thanks for giving hope to those who are still trapped in high school and their parents’ homes, dreaming of one day becoming a cool 20-something blogger. Seriously dude, just keep on being awesome.
"Thanks for giving hope to those who are still trapped in highschool and their parents’ homes…"
you start off great here. inspiring. uplifting. empowering even.
RISE ABOVE THE SHACKLES OF MEDIOCRITY.
BREAK FREE OF THE MANACLES OF SUBURBAN LIFE.
"…dreaming of one day becoming a cool 20-something blogger…"
that quote depresses me more than you know.
(reaching for bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label he notices the time. quarter past nine. he grimaces. it is far too late, to be drinking this much. he pours another glass for what seems like the thousandth time.)
"…Seriously dude, just keep on being awesome…"
but that part makes me feel great!
so all in all, this was a roller-coaster of a post.
thank you for making my day, ruining my day, and making my day.
Anonymous asked you: You are absolutely fantastic, and I hope my future husband will be just like you!
why wait for someone like me.
go straight to the source.
the source of all things narcissistic.
the progenitor of all that is self centered.
yes. i’m saying we should get married.
i’m totally into you.
CAN’T YOU TELL?
I’M CALLING YOU ALL THE TIME!
I ‘LIKE’ ALL OF YOUR FACEBOOK STATUSES!
I AM CONSTANTLY COMMENTING “LOL” ON YOUR POSTS!
Anonymous asked: Dear Santa, I usually wish for world peace or a pony, this year I simply want to have a cuppa with mr. danger. Signed, hopeful.
did santa disappoint?
and by cuppa i assume you mean Cab-bombs?
those are cabernet bomb shots in case you are wondering.
-3 parts cabernet sauvignon
-1 part energy drink
-1 part shame
pour contents into a lowball glass.
drink as fast as you can.
proceed to black out and sing karaoke.